The Vagina Monologue

Well THIS is a blog I NEVER thought I would write

If you know me personally, you know I’m a total self-help junkie. I’m always trying to learn and grow and improve myself. I’m in the business of changing minds and hearts when it comes to body acceptance, and I want to show you that I practice what I preach!

When I say challenge the beliefs you hold about yourself, THIS IS WHAT I MEAN!

Warning: things are about to get weird lol. If you’re not comfortable with vaginas, porn, the patriarchy, and deep rooted self hatred, this may not be the blog for you!

Recently I had some pain coming from “down there” so I grabbed the mirror and took a gander. Listen, we’ve all done it, don’t judge me. I tried a few different positions, and all of it was awkward.
I couldn’t really see anything, but I could absolutely feel there was something on my labia, and whatever it was, it hurt.

Well now I’m worried. I want to know what’s going on, but my body doesn’t bend that way and I can’t see anything down there. I would need like 4 extra hands, a flashlight, some tape, and a full length mirror. Now what am I gonna do?!

The next best option is to ask my husband to look. I know he would absolutely do it without question and never think twice about it. It’s not like he’s never seen it before! But why was I nervous about him being down there? I’m not nervous when he’s down there doing other stuff (if you know what I mean), but something about him having to really LOOK at it made me feel…gross.

I could have just stopped there. I could have just felt bad, suffered through it in silence, and that would be that.

But I didn’t.

I started to question everything.
What am I feeling? Bad. Gross. Embarrassed. Vulnerable. Disgusted. Ashamed.

What the hell, WHY?! Is that necessary?
Of course not. Something hurts>I need help>husband will help. This should be easy.
If HE had a spot on his cash and prizes, and he needed me to look at it, I would look at it no hesitation.

so why all of these negative feelings?
Why am I nervous about this?

I don’t want him to look because I think my vagina is ugly.

DING DING DING!

my vagina is ugly, and no one wants to look at that up close.

I could have stopped THERE and been sad, anxious, and alone, just me and my ugly vagina…
At this point, I was feeling like total trash about myself and my husband could tell something was up. So he asked what was wrong and in a steam of consciousness, my Vagina Monologue was born.

I took a deep breath.

“I have this spot on my vagina that hurts and I tried to see what it was but I can’t exactly finagle enough light and reflection to even see what’s going on down there, but when I did look I felt gross about myself and my vagina because it’s ugly. And I would rather sit in silence and suffer than have you go down there with a magnifying glass and a flashlight. But that’s so stupid because you’re my husband and you’ve seen literally every part of me and I don’t need to be embarrassed but I am. And that sucks. And it’s dumb. Why am I even embarrassed about it?! If my vagina is ugly, there must be a “pretty” one I’m comparing it to, right?! But it’s not like I see vaginas all over the place. Where the hell am I getting this idea of a “perfect vagina” from?! Porn. Of course it’s porn. Literally the only place I’ve ever seen a vagina that isn’t my own. But porn is SO CURATED! These actresses are literally picked for their “perfect vaginas”. Fuck, now I’ve fallen victim of the stupid patriarchy and their stupid perfect vaginas. Pornstar vagina is not an accurate representation of the average vagina. Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes and colors and styles, and I KNOW they’re all normal and perfect and fine and beautiful in their own way. So why all this hate about my own? Am I going to let the porn industry tell me how to feel about my body, or am I gonna take my power back, and in a radical act of rebellion, love my body just how it is?! Screw feeling bad about this any longer!!”

Then I sit there in silence.
empowered by this realization.

I am woman, here me roar, ya know?!

Then my husband piped up, “so…did you need me to look at it still…or…”

Long story short, it was an ingrown hair lol

But the point of this story is that we all need to stop and challenge the beliefs we hold about ourselves. What am I feeling? Why do I feel this way? Are these feelings necessary? Are they misplaced? Are they appropriate? What would I tell a friend in this situation?

I’m asking all of us to work through every question until you get to the bottom of it. You gotta dig deep. Because THAT is where growth and change are.
I promise you that we are all good enough, we are all beautiful, and your vagina is perfect. You just have to filter out all the external bullshit and remember this truth. It’s hard work, but you’re worth it.

Normalize normal vaginas! Image Credit: Erin Tobey